(no subject)

my dear friend

for what reason would I risk everything

I haven't even got a verbal invitation

from the gnome king to partake of his abode

and yet they have painted

an inimitable portrait of me

lengthy and priestly

leaving me with an air of stupefaction

I ought to see what my inheritance is

in which ways I resemble my parents

there is nobody left now

just a Strong affection for myself

like a thick fog

causing nothing but

moral indignation

even though I have

repeated myself a Thousand times

in my wake I leave nothing but otherness

seems my seed sprouts

just to fill the space

calamities with no consolation

no joy to mitigate the sorrow

light up the mood and stop him

learn to read by yourself the book of life

the gnome king is old

he failed to achieve immortality

you can seize his throne

he won't complain

someone worthy has to take it

the bittersweetness

the traces of semi-darkness

such incidentes happen again and again

I did not specify

the clauses of the peace deal

I only beseeched thee

for a cease fire to be accomplished

sparing no expenses

yet I am unwilling

to decree Peace

upon the empire

the occasion is not That important

a rock, a stone

it is black

who cares

it was almost a disappointment

some Ladies had to get out

of the most exclusive parties in Paris

for an afternoon

just to cast a ballot

and so I was taking the liberty

to choose whichever mistress

my aching heart found most suitable

for I cry night and day

for that which I never had

even now I am crying

my tears are a silent prayer

asking God to do for me

what he knows that is best

come alive, half hidden flower

I will restore your peace of mind

he looked at me in such a way

I couldn't help but think

he would ravish me

had my body been more suitable

it is a masterpiece of incomparable art

then why it gives me so many disappointments

you're worrying yourself beyond measure

about things you can't control

and what can I control

the trumpets of judgement day

preposterous fraud

if all the rest was true

why wouldn't that be true as well

the mystics said

God Always Says Yes

aren't you tired of crying

where are you willing to go

to receive your due enjoyment

being the product of material causes

enjoyment requires requests

here I am to serve you

will you repeat to yourself

all your life

like your mother did

a disdain for wealth

please

you do enjoy a few

material comforts

like Books for instance

with a little bit more

Money

you could have a massive

private library

no one would disturb you

you will be free

to produce a lot

or nothing at all

I'm Always trying to recapture

the state of mind in which

I find myself at libraries

it is like hearing angels playing the violin

but everything is oh so silent

that is because you seem to think

that beauty and love are

somehow outside yourself

just because law is outside yourself

point the mirrors the right way

you will have a far easier time

the advantages you can guess

entertain political conversations

with people who actually

understand what is going on

how does that feel to you

I might have taken

the wrong box of medicine

I see nothing of the people

who seek to distract me

except when I open these

magical dopamine boxes

so in a sense

the illusion of love

is perfectly under control

and so is the illusion of beauty

it is only law I still have not mastered

and what does it take for you to master law

to be able to commit any crime

and get away with it

like a proper monarch

what kind of crime do you want to commit

do you want the truth or the Truth

both

in truth I seek to Murder

in Truth just a few Kisses

there

I answered you

such ordinary crimes

I'm an ordinary man

extra ordinary even

and they put me in charge

of rebuilding the moral unity of the nation

I was already beginning to forget

these painful feelings

but by my silence

I revealed

that my mind is not silent at all

if it were

would I require sedatives

would I experience sensual desires

this is the place of starvation

where you come to mortify your cravings

kill jealousy by killing yourself daily

so as to not be crushed by bitterness

you have done work

a Thousand times more remarkable

than what we have expected you to

why is that not suficiente for you

I shouldn't be able to sleep

knowing I did not exert myself to the limit

death of those I love

is bound to become increasingly frequent

in times such as these

even the Faith of Noah, David and Job

is not enough to save the nation

she once again turned to gaze at herself

and all she saw was the ruins of her own nation

reduced to that point by a century of carelessness

two or three men trying to put it back in track

but their problem was thinking

the problem was exterior

if we don't fix ourselves internally first

we can't mend these broken bones with bandaid

I'm not sure if that is an apt metaphor

me neither

but these people seem blind

to the tragedy of their own existence

was I ever that ignorant

I can scarcely recall

maybe the feebleness of old age

will make me even more ignorant

and maybe that will finally bring me some bliss

why are you postponing bliss for when you're dying

I'm dying right now, I'm not postponing it

how much more ignorant do you want to be

as ignorant as humanly possible

perhaps a little bit more

I have exhausted every venue of research open to me

ahead there are only paths I'm wholly unsuited to tackle

every choice sounds like a mistake and nothing makes sense

my life has been over for so long

that I don't even know where to start with

restarting it

when I first began to study

it didn't occur to me that

knowledge is dangerous

yes, it is

mainly to the knower

expressing yourself has attached dangers

those who Know should just remain silent

the people aren't ready for the Knowledge

is that an excuse to be

ignorant of everything

I mean

there are so many fun things to learn

but learning isn't fun

learning can be made fun

but it isn't intrinsically fun

it is just a thing we do in order to survive

do I want to survive

scrupulous and condescending

as Always my friend

I feel grossly insulted

by these fugitive creatures

who seem to think

everyone else is inferior to them

it is perfect nonsense

this is precisely the point

where hypocrisy becomes painful

like when those niggers won Hitler's olympic games

we ought to be polite with everyone

for we never know the Rank

of the person we are saluting

I can't care about that

you'd be stupefied to know

that we Always know

when we find a member of our Society

God simply whispers into our ear

he is one of us

so we get really annoyed

when we have to invite

one of those

really boring types

because there is something we need doing

and we lack the skills the boorish man has

frankly

we would rather just

hire a bunch of underaged prostitutes to pass the time

and wait a few years until people

learn the required skills

but the boss is in a hurry so

we are hiring specialists

instead of blowing all our Money

on blow and hookers as usual

I mean we still have our quotas but

it is not the same anymore

prudes Always ruin everything for us

men of intelligence, artists

who feel they are above their desires somehow

that is dangerous

not even fulfilling

their childhood fantasies

is enough to entice these great noble souls

the child had to perish

for you to be reborn

as an entirely different man

the only problem is you are in need

of constant spiritual nourishment

and there is nothing more expensive than that

what made you even more impressive and appaling

it is like a baby god who only eats antimatter

really hard to keep

***

(no subject)

I realized with astonishment

that she was now living

rent free in my head

I took advantage

of his permission

to withdraw

presently

the momentary circunstances

were not very positive for us

there are a lot of smart people out there

who have been privy to our schemes

it no longer caused them sorrow

largely they were upset about

the postponements

she kept giving those

amazing performances

every time like a secret

yet to be discovered

will you seize the opportunity

I remember it was

within the field

of my possible pleasures

to engage in an affair with her

so that is why I decided to do it

I don't believe much

it to be impossible

to be in a relationship with someone

if both of you decide it is right for you

all the barriers are artificial

the whole game is a play

and my patch eliminates precisely that

the gaming of the system

while enhancing other illusions

I have a special gratitude

towards my mentors

they taught me valuable lessons

that I expanded upon

amidst the futility

of that artificial school

had to exploit the circumstances a little

like a classical deity

looking for worshippers

there must be truth in those sayings

I am not exaggerating

the nerve you have

utterly unlikely anything I have ever seen

why was I being scrutinized so closely

it struck me dumb with astonishment

their willingness to continue this make believe

they crossed the rubicom of youth already

the story you tell moreover

has a happier ending than what they are used to

and we are all being finely rewarded

the dispelling of the anguish seems inevitable now

despite the intellectual satisfaction

I get very little out of it

take away the goodwill of my benefactors

and I'll be left even without any bit to eat

yet I am no people pleaser

my silvered tresses are a testament of

how stressful it is to me dealing with other humans

I spent so long trying to learn some profession

which would allow me to be away from people indefinitely

I thought I could work in some data center somewhere

never seeing another human being

seemed like a good life

but my understanding of my situation was incomplete

the insolence was apparent to all

everyone who had to sacrifice decades

in the altar of mathematics

knowns I've not been really

pulling my weight here

there were other concerns in my mind

I couldn't close my eyes

without intrusive thoughts

and I couldn't keep them open

without the formulas starting to dance in front of me

my love for mathematics is sincere and deep

but I have been lacking understanding

I hope it is not a neurological condition

I sincerely hope it was just

unresolved psychological issues

coupled with a natural propensity towards laziness

which barred my utmost efforts

you see

she's so faithful

there is no use making an enemy out of her

those lonely evenings used to be my most prized possession

today I dread them when I have to remain awake

for I know I will be assaulted

by a strong drive to write nonsense

and out of this nonsense

some chaos will emerge

that will engulf the world

it is not fully within my control

I can start it

I can end it

but I don't know where it is going

the funniest casino I could come up with

a casino in which one bets reality itself

I think I have always been seen

as a person that runs away easily

remarking that certain things

simply go wrong

is not enough to make me stay

I need to be in love with what I do

luckily I am not as fickle in love

as I am in other aspects of my life

I speak to you in friendly terms

you who managed to join such an exclusive circle

I might be too damaged to keep going

but I will keep going anyway

who knows

maybe I will make something out of my life

a nature so excessively sensitive

healed quick enough

do you think I'm healed?

I'm crazier than Britney

I might need a lifetime of therapy

just to function

I can see everything except my blind spots

and when I finally find my blind spot

it shifts somewhere else

need someone to constantly remind me

that only God is omniscient

yet my conscious personality

had enough time to determine

whether I am being swindled or not

the fact of the matter is simple

this cabal that runs the world

has become too powerful

yet they claim to not be powerful enough

I guess they aren't powerful enough

in the same sense as

Elon-kun not having enough money

it is just their ambitions are

and have always been

wildly exaggerated

yet it is precisely these crazy ambitions

that drive them to accomplish

amazing things

but by now it is starting to sound like mere flatter

expressing a fancy which is genuine but

a little out of place

considering that the answer they want

to these questions

differs significantly

from the answers that I need them to provide

I knew only too well what they were like

and what they were willing to do

there are no longer masses of blindly patriotic Masters

willing to die for their Prince

like in old times

it is a dying breed

therefore I plead you an excuse

I would rise and leave them unceremoniously

what would be so bad about

picking a direction

and walking until I die

I see nothing wrong with that

I may even discover a new life doing this

perhaps even a life worth living

one in which I would find

the unmediated sublime

in all aspects of day to day life

which might help me recover from

the unpleasantness of the trip so far

not that my vigilance

has been of any use

but I've been able to recognize

that there is no such a thing as

an absolute statement of truth

the history of man's minds

is the history of errors

and the gradual refinement of these errors

sometimes we need to step back a lot

in order to advance a little bit

we do not know what is the optimal strategy

and the scientific method

is basically chaos

you record it and you contain it

but you need chaos to create something new

the apple falling into your head

the mold that cures lives

and so on and so forth

we can't be too strict with science

there has to bee some leeway

some room for improvement

room for wackos who have

no idea what they are doing

to try and create something different

but it takes so much effort

to even learn and become proficient

with that which our predecessors created

you really gotta fall in love with former things

learn what happened before you got here

history is kinda underrated

it can give one a sense of personal dignity

and not the misplaced pride of claiming for oneself

the accomplishments of an entire race

but a due sense of wonder

at how far we came

and how far we still have to go

and it makes me wonder you know

with an universe so vast

with so many things to see and do

so many parties to attend

why would a satanic jesuit live cloistered

like a heretic fransciscan

compared to what I had before

I now live in a luxurious apartment

I have plenty of books to last me for years

and enough funds to buy even more

I continue to be well fed

I exercise daily

I'm working on my mental health

I'm progressing steadily in college

dropping out doesn't cross my mind often

I'm making plans for what I will do

once I finally get a degree

still

I feel like something important is missing

could a raving lunatic like me

ask for more than what has been given me

I remember once a long time ago I said to myself

that's it

it doesn't get better than this

and so things got worse and worse over the years

I can now clearly see

that things do get better

I wanna know how much better things become

when you allow yourself to see them

in a positive light

the only thing that torments me

and ellicits great jealousy

is old couples with large families

if only I could just be happy for them

but I am deeply jealous

when I see on TV or wherever

this couple has been together for sixty years

they have like sixty great grandkids

I'm like

woa

wish that was me

well it could be me

you and me

in sixty years time or so

I see a score of opportunities ahead of us

I just require this "us" to exist

which so far eluded me

will I be happier being a "we" with someone else?

I suppose the first step is assuming that it is possible

regardless of all previous misshaps

the pursuit of happiness

do I want to be happy?

the greeks said everyone wants to be happy

few fools have tried to prove them otherwise

it is only the way in which you desire your happiness to manifest

which changes from person to person

but the universal desire for happiness remains

a lover, a family, a few sincere friends

a man doesn't need all that much to be happy

but to claim you don't desire it

is to invite upon you

all manners of misfortunes

real or imaginary

and the imaginary ones

may well be more dangerous

as the intelligence services are acutely aware

to make use of the narrowest apertures in your Prison

to squeeze out is a feat

not everyone is capable of

the moment in which I intended to become your husband

is the moment when I decided that

I will love you forever no matter what

is this hubris?

could the gods destroy our love?

the tragedies seem to point out that such things do happen

and they seem to happen often

my love for you is already crystallized in my mind

but some doubt creeps in from time to time

successive enthusiasms, great joys

followed by the torturing "what ifs"

superposed to immediate sensations

there is a being which seems to be

detached from it all

remembering me daily

you love her

you decided to keep loving her

so I put my emotions and my innermost being on the line

even if we are only able to speak

rarely and through the most convoluted of means

I know she thinks of me

and I do think of her

and I hold her dear

I have almost completely eliminated suffering from my life

now and then I need to meditate a little

when some old suffering creeps in

not quite dead yet

simply under control

though I attained much

I feel there are still far greater mountains to climb

but to climb a new mountain

first I need to get down from the one I am at

how could I leave my holy mountain?

what for?

I have everything I need in here

by leaving I am making my life worse

and I don't even know if I will survive

yes, that's the hero journey for you

you got back to your holy mountain

but the adventure is calling again

it is time to leave it

and descend into the land of the dead again

wander once more

through the valley of the shadow of death

cross that abyss again

this time from the opposite direction

knowing full well

you will have to cross a third time

if you ever want to return to your holy mountain

the risk is becoming stagnant

one day a storm may come

that you failed to prepare properly

and alone on this mountain

there will be no one who can help you

even if they wanted to

***

(no subject)

Relax little girl

I just killed a bunch of zombies in a videogame and the immoral murder urge was gone

The Kissing urge remains though

I should probably get a girlfriend

I don't really know how though

Last time I tried it ended catastrophically in a seven years spiral of madness

Guess I will just repress the urge instead

Maybe I could try playing a visual novel I don't know

I don't like playing those though, they fuck me up something fierce

***