(no subject)

[shiningfractal]

the brief spell was broken

the unyielding father

wasn't expecting to find

a suitor for his daughter's hand

this early

but the young man was

ceaselessly

weaving such a fantastic tale

that to have him as

potential son in law

would be a boon to any House

you know, my teacher told me the other day

that someone who doesn't have a life plan

might as well be dead already

while there is life

we want to progress

we want to attain new heights

it has to be so

human nature betrays

the deep need for faith

the whole is not always conceivable

we are lost in a forest and can only see the trees

but our Subconscious connects

with the Ancient Spirits

oh here you come again with this nonsense

hear me out

if these primal relations

had been severed

we would no longer feel

the Sublime

when we partake of nature

this connection speaks

of something deeper

something beyond the artificial dwellings

we created for ourselves

an atavistic portrayal

sketching the future man

it is one of those secret poisons

writing a memoir

an embroidered handkerchief

an intellectually worthy person

patiently suffering under lamplight

still enacting the scenes from the book

desire is very powerful

it engenders opportunities

we really ought to find out

if the roses in our soul are still alive

so many war cripples

circumstances forbid any effusion

are you coming round

by whose efforts this monster

became so powerful

if not his own

all a lonely man really craves

is real connection

not someone who would be nice to meet

now and then

but someone who is

essential

without whom

even to continue going forward

seems pointless

some other man would seek to be a husband

I seek at the very least to be your soulmate and your friend

if you want to have my kids then we can marry

you know, I was told a thing that hurts

that those who seek Lust

find love all too easily

while those who crave the depths of Love

end up Lonely Poets

and I remembered that biblical saying

to those who have it

more will be added

and to those that don't

even what they don't have

will be taken away

maybe by chasing to satisfy your lusts

a man gain experience with women

and learns to differentiate

the wheat from the chaff

do I really need to put in the effort

to be chasing women

I don't want to do it

I literally only want one girl

and I say girl because

I'm just an old boy

I fell straight into Satan's hand

his plan

to infantilize men

to make women mean

and to cause everyone to abhor having children

I'm tired of being a boy that never grew up

but of course I'm afraid

it is frightening to grow up

I don't know if I can do it

I don't even understand very well

what does it mean to really grow up

will it be a gentle blossoming

or will it be more like

a never ending boxing match

I became aware that love is not enough

today I studied Blake

it is said he didn't believe in punishment in afterlife

in the powers of rulers

or even in the reality of matter

I can relate to that man

most of the great men in history

held these sorts of Gnostic beliefs

shunning society for its dreary hypocrisy and mediocrity

contact with your deeply maddening spiritual side

tend to turn men into useless husks

for any purpose other than realize their soul mission

and I'm but a simple third world mongrel

my soul mission is simple

the perfectibility of my fallen race

find someone better than me to marry and have children

not to destroy their stock

but to perfect my own

so please make sure you have enough

daughters and nieces

I just need one

and I will take good care of her

to the best of my abilities

just excuse me the fact

that I never learned to even take care of myself

it was bad parenting

treated like an abnormality

just for having a slightly above average intelligence

everyone thinks they are above average

I'm only above average in a few things

mostly I'm below average

or at least I'm below average

in all the metrics that matter

still I believe in my ability to overcome it all

even if it takes some time

I just don't have the right to expect

any woman to wait for me

but a little girl

a little girl is still growing

she doesn't need to wait

again, she's still growing

by the time she's old enough

I'll either be set

or will be dead

such a curious fellow

romantics don't live very long

the world doesn't allow you to operate

by these principles

for a long time

you either change

or the world ends you

it is charming to develop

your artistic skills

string word after word

like they mean anything

the substance of my life experiences

I carry on distilling day after day

night after night

in different presentations

energetic style

refashioning the same tired

timeless lessons

in a fractal portrait

for some reason I remembered today

that rare Fragrance

the scent of the Angel

haven't felt it in ages

might never feel it again

but I remember it vividly

something Invisible

made its presence known

through scent

and it became my duty

to go meet this Stranger

even if for that

I have to shatter myself into a million pieces

and kintsugi my soul back into shape

it is a different world

when all you have to do is

merely tell about your exploits

and they become actualized

it is an unmatched power

to be constantly under

the active scrutiny

of such smart minds as yours

friends from the intelligence community

this bond we forged long ago

when we first began to frequent the same imageboards

has evolved into a partnership

I made a very poor bargain

but it was the only one I knew

you couldn't deny me

to work for you fourteen years

for the hand of one of you daughters in marriage

the book explicitly says

that's how it is done

I wouldn't trust a man

who can't love a woman single mindedly

for years and years

with the hand of my daughter in marriage

so I don't expect you to trust me

if I'm unable to display such qualities

talk is cheap

writing is a bit more expensive but

not all that expensive

and I know that for such a

Coveted Damsel

I'll also have Rivals

someone might sway her heart away from me

but I cannot live under such false pretenses

surely it will be

getting to know me

that will make her love

so I just need to make myself known

first to myself

then to the world

so she can find me

Imma just Rapunzel my way out of this predicament

even if I know living with someone

is never even nearly half as good as they make it out to be

I'm prepared to grant you the necessary trust

for us to be friends

don't make me regret this

I have this

rapid

eager

charming

style

where everything

is clearly an allegory

of everything else

grief is potent

in altering a man's behavior

not always for the better

and after so many years have gone by

so much sorrow endured

I have only my scars and my wisdom to show for it

it ain't much but

that's what I got

funny thing

once I met a girl

and my friend told me in jest

to go ask her father if I could marry her

I was in a good mood that day

so I went ahead and asked him

and he told me

it is too soon for marriage

date her for five years or so

and then come talk to me again

this was such a wise response

I think that to be a father

a man really needs some level of wisdom

just to endure all the difficulties in life

maintaining enough civility

to attract and keep a woman

to raise a child for a couple decades

it is only the men who fail at that

that earn my lack of respect

not because they don't deserve respect as human beings

but because they are contributing to social problems

and they remind me of my own father

who was a model of what I don't want to become

the funny thing is father

almost never spoke about his own father

all I know is the man worked in a factory

and then opened a bar

and died young

I don't know anything else at all about him

my father just never mentioned him at all

I think they had a difficult relation

or maybe father was never capable

of processing the hurt of losing his own father early

one of those two things

or maybe both

reads like an old motto in this family

son despises father for being weak

manages to become just slightly less weak than him

dies and has his own son despise him for the same reason

kinda ironic

boys have a natural tendency to become Men

they need to be Actively Neutered

to remain old boys

it takes active effort

and therefore it is

Malicious

it is not by mistake

that I was raised pretty much

locked at home

my family was afraid of me

afraid of me growing up and becoming a Man

because they are all Children

and children hate the Man

they would kill the Man if they could

what better way to kill the Man

than to prevent him from even being Born

thus the need to be Reborn

Born again no longer a boy now a Man

what does a man does

I suppose a man works

that is the answer to the question

what do you do

I work at...

it is always that

people wanna know how you make a living

our society is complex

we have no idea what is it that people do for a living anymore

in a hunter gatherer society

everyone was a goddamn hunter gatherer

the only privileged position you could have

was to be son of a local leader

that is all

though this dynamic remains

other dynamics have also emerged

but they all boil down to this same question

what do you do

meaning

can you provide for me and my children

if I choose to have children with you

that is why women love this question

what do you do

I never ask anyone this question

unless I'm obligated to know

because I don't care

it doesn't make the slightest difference to me

what do you do for a living

I wanna know if you have

fire in your eyes

passion in you heart

that gut feeling

that tells you the right time to do things

having been discarded from a world of politics

I became a half shut-in

bearing the shame of my disgraced family

the only spot open for me at the court was Jester

and I've been entertaining with my stories for years

can the delight last forever

an eager desire to ascend the social ladder

without climbing it

it is like they say in my language

não quer nada né

don't want anything

just want to marry a Princess

the reverse fairytale of the age

a male cinderela

***