![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Mar. 6th, 2025 03:52 amwhat a reckless thing
the thought of receiving
anything at all from her
what a headstrong and arrogant attitude
our life together has become impossible
I have squandered my youth
and all my hope lies
in making good use
of the little strength I still have
it was absurd for instance
to dream that I could entice her
it is only my sarcastic gaiety
that allows me to be amused
with the thought of
dropping a crystal to the ground
just to confirm it will break
confers to one a momentary authority
the fruits of patience and intelligence
aren't different from that
at least no qualitatively
we're still babies breaking things
to figure out what will happen
well some of these babies
smash pianos to reconstruct beethoven's symphonies
somehow
while most of us have to be content
with dropping things that are
unlikely to break when dropped
since we won't learn much new
we might as well not squander resources
the illusion that it is possible
is the shortest path to make something real
even from the literary point of view
often the difference between success and failure is belief
I had been in love with her for a long time
but I'm not the guy she once deemed invisible
and she's no longer the main object of my affections
such is the cruelty of memory
still even today
she won't even notice that I'm not there
so perhaps nothing much has changed
I was told girls like her
collect guys like me
as a hobby
getting the attention and affection
or even love
from someone who usually
doesn't care about people
is an outstanding accomplishment
but one must assume
that even the bitterest man
is bound to catch a fancy for a lady now and then
still I don't want to inflict this anguish upon her
of having to tell me no and send me away
without satisfying my desire
O man beloved by the gods
I scarcely believe
that there isn't a single young woman
willing to be your mate
you're just not looking at the right places
and where should I be looking
outside your bedroom for starters
it is no use
I lost the desire to pursue them
them who
women in general
speaking to women now
is even more tedious than it was before
because at first I believed
that I would have a chance
at satisfying my lust with one of them
now that I realized
this is just not a thing that happens in my life
I can't be arsed to listen to what they have to say
there are very few exceptions
smart and cultured women are a pleasure to listen to
and so are good singers in general and a few ones in particular
but evidently if I'm not attractive
even to regular women
imagine if I would be
to these highly prized females
a cultured woman is a rarity
women fall prey to the allures of vanity very easily
and instead of spending time bettering their minds
they spend time making their bodies more appealing
poor children, no different than those red butted monkeys
still, it has evolutive advantages
therefore it is a successful strategy
what is not a successful strategy
is nietzsche-maxxing
and going to a psych ward
I seem to delight in ruining everything
with the women I like due to my clumsiness
I supposed I had the strength to control myself
but the old caveman brain keeps pestering me
you might find someone better it says
better than what
better than these prostitutes you're continually lusting over
what a lame rebuff, full of snoberry
it is indeed a pity
that my regrets and disappointments
boil down to not having gotten my dick wet
now the matter is irrevocably settled
at my age teenagers are essentially immoral to pursue
some lecherous men who don't abide by morals
go for the strict letter of the law
and pull fourteen years old pussy
but I'm fettered in a way that I couldn't do that
besides these girls aren't very interesting
conversation wise
are we going to be fucking twenty four seven
I don't even have the stamina for that anymore
when I had I wasted it away spilling my seed
reading myself express these desires
in these horribly penned letters
would be absurd if it weren't simply
the duty and the task of the writer
had I been loved more
I'd have something interesting to write about love
as it is all I have is unrequitted feelings
and an annoying lust that never seems to go away
despite my best efforts to ignore it
seems like it enjoys living continually in my company
even though it is no longer required
have I captivated a lust demon
that time when in my teenage years
I first masturbated to a japanese pornographic magazine
depicting an elf female being anally penetrated by a minotaur
was that the moment when the lust demon
took possession of my soul
and gave me from thence onwards
the permission to enjoy myself
I see nobody else is lost in such musings
traces of abasement, boredom, indignation
hit me so hard
it is like a thousand voices
were exclaiming to me my guilty and my sin
still it is inconsequential
for there is no hell but in the mind
and no heaven anywhere else
when properly explored
the depths of your consciousness
can summon anything you might desire
all you need to do is
give your body the right balance
of pain and pleasure
more pain than pleasure is usually a good idea
too much pleasure ruins character
it is rare breed these days
that do not indulge
from my experience and that of my friends
most people are just waiting
to get some money
and leave their parent's homes
to be fucking as often as humanly possible
how did that never occurred to me
that money by itself was not a good end granted
but tied to the noble purpose of reproduction
maybe it would be justified to earn as much as feasible
perhaps it is the generational trauma
passed on to me from my parents
who were too fond of the flesh
and started procreating before being protected
by the gentle mantle of wedlock
unpardonable insult in the eyes of many
and the many blows life gave them
made them wary of incentivizing
that we partake in generating the gift of life
we offsprings of sin
deemed too holy for the common fare of human affairs
nay you're not to play with those children
they are monsters and rapists
nay you're not to take a minimum wage job nor join the army
you are to study exclusively
it all was rendered superfluous
by the way in which justice was administered that one time
entirely neglecting my well being
physical and psychological
in the name of convenience
and not even my convenience
I was to be there
pretending all was fine
after being dishonored and wounded
nay
in other times that would call for a murder
but since these are civilized times
it called simply for a suicide
I had no wish to remain any longer in this party
so I destroyed a man's dream
it was so refreshing
the problem is that I had no other dream to substitute
the one that was imposed upon me
I manufactured hastly the most far fetched thing
let me pursue physics I told myself
it was the most difficult thing I could imagine
rather than go the easy way
of enduring the humiliation in silence
so I could make my malefactor proud
I decided to take the hard way out
and destroy that which I had conquered for myself
drink some poison hoping someone else would die
I could no longer feel gratitude
it was taken from me
only one feeling filled my being
sorrow
would have done anything in the world
to get rid of that feeling
and so I summoned the devil
wasn't easy
I read several grimoires until I got the gist of it
a great deal even less well born people are entitled to make
I didn't ask the devil for love or for future
that came later
I asked for justice
it was a matter of great love
my shortsighted mother could never understand
that it was clear as day
that the night hue of his skin
was omen enough for all that ensued
and it is with melancholy that I mourn
the low IQ and bad math skills from my tainted lineage
I would sin not to express my real concerns in a confession
and I'm always confessing myself
I both laughed and cried at his funeral
and the dawn the day after brought me such relief
he's gone
I don't need to soil my hands anymore
the debt of blood is paid
he chose to pay it instead of letting the rightful debtor repay
all that remains to me is
being stark raving mad
overthinking these events again and again
trying to make sense of all that
it isn't even interesting
I just make it interesting because
I know lots of words
but it is not an interesting moment
a couple nerds fight
some blood is spilled
eternal ties are broken
friendship lapsed for lack of virtue
a melancholy caressed and nurtured for over a decade
it is as hard to explain sorrow
as it is to explain why a lover loves
our sorrows are always obscure
it helps to understand my case
learn that I was raised locked at home
considering the entire world to be the danger
and the family to be the safety
a very cult like environment
to this day I'm still told
all that you have in your life is us
no one else would do anything for you
to her it is intolerable
the presence of another person
such is the damange my grandmother did to her
and her grandmother as well
who commited crime after crime
trying to shape her into becoming
well a clone of herself
like these religious normies do
they don't want you to mirror christ
they want you to be like them
they act as if they have all the answers
as if they know right from wrong
but any deeper analysis points out
they are just parroting baseless opinions
if their book told them to murder they would do it
the book itself says it is the greatest act of faith
climbing a mountain ready
to kill your own child
upon a stone altar
the mountain was set
and so was the altar
but she chickened out before the climb
that is why you don't leave
these tasks for women you know
they will not do it right
their faith is calculated
while a man's faith is blind
a man believes because he believed
a woman believes because it is convenient
when it isn't anymore she stops believing
the female saints who were
martyred for their faith excuse me
but I don't see how it stops being convenient
just because you're being martyred
you're going to heaven aren't you
what are you so afraid of
as for me I'm not too certain
I don't think there is a heaven
awaiting for me when I die
nor a hell either
I read the book
and the promises
but they don't convince me
maybe the revelations were false
maybe it wasn't God inspiring them
some parts of it are sound
but others are not
maybe I'm just not seeing the bigger picture
the whole book is adequated for instruction
perhaps I just don't understand enough to profit from some
more esoteric passages
like the one that doesn't allow you
to fuck other men
or dress like a woman
seems arbitrary to me
yeah yeah diseases yadda yadda
not too important
imbued with tradition I can't really do these things
instead of trooning out
I invent some female characer in my mind
I'm old fashion
the mind is far more maleable than the body anyway
fantasy can provide short relief
I"ve been taking antipsychotics mostly for this
otherwise I wouldn't have agreed
they can't force me I'm an adult
they would have to get a court order
and the way these people here are terrified of the law
they would chicken out for sure
these tendencies and tastes bother me
they are not under my control
but acting upon them is
or rather not acting
not because it is forbidden mind you
many do it with impunity
but because I consider it distasteful
well I just rambled on and on
looks like I had nothing particularly important to say tonight
***
the thought of receiving
anything at all from her
what a headstrong and arrogant attitude
our life together has become impossible
I have squandered my youth
and all my hope lies
in making good use
of the little strength I still have
it was absurd for instance
to dream that I could entice her
it is only my sarcastic gaiety
that allows me to be amused
with the thought of
dropping a crystal to the ground
just to confirm it will break
confers to one a momentary authority
the fruits of patience and intelligence
aren't different from that
at least no qualitatively
we're still babies breaking things
to figure out what will happen
well some of these babies
smash pianos to reconstruct beethoven's symphonies
somehow
while most of us have to be content
with dropping things that are
unlikely to break when dropped
since we won't learn much new
we might as well not squander resources
the illusion that it is possible
is the shortest path to make something real
even from the literary point of view
often the difference between success and failure is belief
I had been in love with her for a long time
but I'm not the guy she once deemed invisible
and she's no longer the main object of my affections
such is the cruelty of memory
still even today
she won't even notice that I'm not there
so perhaps nothing much has changed
I was told girls like her
collect guys like me
as a hobby
getting the attention and affection
or even love
from someone who usually
doesn't care about people
is an outstanding accomplishment
but one must assume
that even the bitterest man
is bound to catch a fancy for a lady now and then
still I don't want to inflict this anguish upon her
of having to tell me no and send me away
without satisfying my desire
O man beloved by the gods
I scarcely believe
that there isn't a single young woman
willing to be your mate
you're just not looking at the right places
and where should I be looking
outside your bedroom for starters
it is no use
I lost the desire to pursue them
them who
women in general
speaking to women now
is even more tedious than it was before
because at first I believed
that I would have a chance
at satisfying my lust with one of them
now that I realized
this is just not a thing that happens in my life
I can't be arsed to listen to what they have to say
there are very few exceptions
smart and cultured women are a pleasure to listen to
and so are good singers in general and a few ones in particular
but evidently if I'm not attractive
even to regular women
imagine if I would be
to these highly prized females
a cultured woman is a rarity
women fall prey to the allures of vanity very easily
and instead of spending time bettering their minds
they spend time making their bodies more appealing
poor children, no different than those red butted monkeys
still, it has evolutive advantages
therefore it is a successful strategy
what is not a successful strategy
is nietzsche-maxxing
and going to a psych ward
I seem to delight in ruining everything
with the women I like due to my clumsiness
I supposed I had the strength to control myself
but the old caveman brain keeps pestering me
you might find someone better it says
better than what
better than these prostitutes you're continually lusting over
what a lame rebuff, full of snoberry
it is indeed a pity
that my regrets and disappointments
boil down to not having gotten my dick wet
now the matter is irrevocably settled
at my age teenagers are essentially immoral to pursue
some lecherous men who don't abide by morals
go for the strict letter of the law
and pull fourteen years old pussy
but I'm fettered in a way that I couldn't do that
besides these girls aren't very interesting
conversation wise
are we going to be fucking twenty four seven
I don't even have the stamina for that anymore
when I had I wasted it away spilling my seed
reading myself express these desires
in these horribly penned letters
would be absurd if it weren't simply
the duty and the task of the writer
had I been loved more
I'd have something interesting to write about love
as it is all I have is unrequitted feelings
and an annoying lust that never seems to go away
despite my best efforts to ignore it
seems like it enjoys living continually in my company
even though it is no longer required
have I captivated a lust demon
that time when in my teenage years
I first masturbated to a japanese pornographic magazine
depicting an elf female being anally penetrated by a minotaur
was that the moment when the lust demon
took possession of my soul
and gave me from thence onwards
the permission to enjoy myself
I see nobody else is lost in such musings
traces of abasement, boredom, indignation
hit me so hard
it is like a thousand voices
were exclaiming to me my guilty and my sin
still it is inconsequential
for there is no hell but in the mind
and no heaven anywhere else
when properly explored
the depths of your consciousness
can summon anything you might desire
all you need to do is
give your body the right balance
of pain and pleasure
more pain than pleasure is usually a good idea
too much pleasure ruins character
it is rare breed these days
that do not indulge
from my experience and that of my friends
most people are just waiting
to get some money
and leave their parent's homes
to be fucking as often as humanly possible
how did that never occurred to me
that money by itself was not a good end granted
but tied to the noble purpose of reproduction
maybe it would be justified to earn as much as feasible
perhaps it is the generational trauma
passed on to me from my parents
who were too fond of the flesh
and started procreating before being protected
by the gentle mantle of wedlock
unpardonable insult in the eyes of many
and the many blows life gave them
made them wary of incentivizing
that we partake in generating the gift of life
we offsprings of sin
deemed too holy for the common fare of human affairs
nay you're not to play with those children
they are monsters and rapists
nay you're not to take a minimum wage job nor join the army
you are to study exclusively
it all was rendered superfluous
by the way in which justice was administered that one time
entirely neglecting my well being
physical and psychological
in the name of convenience
and not even my convenience
I was to be there
pretending all was fine
after being dishonored and wounded
nay
in other times that would call for a murder
but since these are civilized times
it called simply for a suicide
I had no wish to remain any longer in this party
so I destroyed a man's dream
it was so refreshing
the problem is that I had no other dream to substitute
the one that was imposed upon me
I manufactured hastly the most far fetched thing
let me pursue physics I told myself
it was the most difficult thing I could imagine
rather than go the easy way
of enduring the humiliation in silence
so I could make my malefactor proud
I decided to take the hard way out
and destroy that which I had conquered for myself
drink some poison hoping someone else would die
I could no longer feel gratitude
it was taken from me
only one feeling filled my being
sorrow
would have done anything in the world
to get rid of that feeling
and so I summoned the devil
wasn't easy
I read several grimoires until I got the gist of it
a great deal even less well born people are entitled to make
I didn't ask the devil for love or for future
that came later
I asked for justice
it was a matter of great love
my shortsighted mother could never understand
that it was clear as day
that the night hue of his skin
was omen enough for all that ensued
and it is with melancholy that I mourn
the low IQ and bad math skills from my tainted lineage
I would sin not to express my real concerns in a confession
and I'm always confessing myself
I both laughed and cried at his funeral
and the dawn the day after brought me such relief
he's gone
I don't need to soil my hands anymore
the debt of blood is paid
he chose to pay it instead of letting the rightful debtor repay
all that remains to me is
being stark raving mad
overthinking these events again and again
trying to make sense of all that
it isn't even interesting
I just make it interesting because
I know lots of words
but it is not an interesting moment
a couple nerds fight
some blood is spilled
eternal ties are broken
friendship lapsed for lack of virtue
a melancholy caressed and nurtured for over a decade
it is as hard to explain sorrow
as it is to explain why a lover loves
our sorrows are always obscure
it helps to understand my case
learn that I was raised locked at home
considering the entire world to be the danger
and the family to be the safety
a very cult like environment
to this day I'm still told
all that you have in your life is us
no one else would do anything for you
to her it is intolerable
the presence of another person
such is the damange my grandmother did to her
and her grandmother as well
who commited crime after crime
trying to shape her into becoming
well a clone of herself
like these religious normies do
they don't want you to mirror christ
they want you to be like them
they act as if they have all the answers
as if they know right from wrong
but any deeper analysis points out
they are just parroting baseless opinions
if their book told them to murder they would do it
the book itself says it is the greatest act of faith
climbing a mountain ready
to kill your own child
upon a stone altar
the mountain was set
and so was the altar
but she chickened out before the climb
that is why you don't leave
these tasks for women you know
they will not do it right
their faith is calculated
while a man's faith is blind
a man believes because he believed
a woman believes because it is convenient
when it isn't anymore she stops believing
the female saints who were
martyred for their faith excuse me
but I don't see how it stops being convenient
just because you're being martyred
you're going to heaven aren't you
what are you so afraid of
as for me I'm not too certain
I don't think there is a heaven
awaiting for me when I die
nor a hell either
I read the book
and the promises
but they don't convince me
maybe the revelations were false
maybe it wasn't God inspiring them
some parts of it are sound
but others are not
maybe I'm just not seeing the bigger picture
the whole book is adequated for instruction
perhaps I just don't understand enough to profit from some
more esoteric passages
like the one that doesn't allow you
to fuck other men
or dress like a woman
seems arbitrary to me
yeah yeah diseases yadda yadda
not too important
imbued with tradition I can't really do these things
instead of trooning out
I invent some female characer in my mind
I'm old fashion
the mind is far more maleable than the body anyway
fantasy can provide short relief
I"ve been taking antipsychotics mostly for this
otherwise I wouldn't have agreed
they can't force me I'm an adult
they would have to get a court order
and the way these people here are terrified of the law
they would chicken out for sure
these tendencies and tastes bother me
they are not under my control
but acting upon them is
or rather not acting
not because it is forbidden mind you
many do it with impunity
but because I consider it distasteful
well I just rambled on and on
looks like I had nothing particularly important to say tonight
***
